One of the lucky ones...

Of the few blogs I've written, one sentence has attracted more comment and support than any of the other paragraphs and pages of my thoughts. I referred to myself as 'lucky' for having a husband who is so good around the house - and then questioned the fact that I think that it is good fortune to have a husband who actually manages to parent his children.

I am lucky to have him, and he is lucky to have me. We rub along nicely together, usually agree on life's big issues and often on its smaller ones. There is no doubt that we are fortunate, and I am grateful for the life we have together. My gripe is not with him, or with us - it is with the way that we speak about fathers which simultaneously disempowers them and lets them off the hook. It is as if complete disinterest and incompetence is the standard paternal attitude towards children and anything more is a bonus. What father worth his salt wouldn't be offended by that? When my husband struggles up a curb with the double buggy he is understandably insulted by the pitying looks that are shot his way, which seem to say "ahhh - he's trying his best."

The thought of transposing some of the stock phrases said about 'good dads' show us how absurd they really are. When was the last time that anyone said to my husband "you're so lucky to have her aren't you? She's so hands on with the children!"? By calling ourselves 'lucky' or, for example, suggesting that the fathers of our children are 'babysitting', we affirm that in undertaking essential and daily tasks, our partners are doing us a favour. When my husband changes a nappy, or gives a bath, or rocks one of our children to sleep he is not helping ME, he is fathering his children. And should he be applauded for doing so? Yes of course, just as I should be.

But this is hardwiring that we're battling, in our bodies, hearts, our language and our history. Most of the fathering I see around me is good, loving, positive care. Why do will still talk as if the most we can expect is a child to be dandled on a knee for ten minutes before the tea is placed on the table and he can rest after a hard day at work?

The key to true equality, I heard someone say, is not making it easy for women to mother, but creating more space for men to father. We should never stop appreciating each other for trying our best to raise healthy, happy children, but perhaps we should start expecting the best, and stop being surprised when we get it.